Human is indeed disappointing in so many ways they can. Including me. I’m not immune to any kind of flaws too. I’m a mundane living in this mortal world. I can be disappointing to someone, or to some people, and so do everybody else.
Lately I’ve been up to loathing myself so much. I question my existence. I look forward to my death. I question everything I can. I resent everyone in my life. I draw back from people. I only allow myself to eat once a day. I let myself sleep for 5 hours a day. I really, really, really, hate myself for being the way I am now.
Then one will said, “Change yourself, then.” And I will reply with “If I could, I would have. This blog wouldn’t be exist if I could.”
Having many friends don’t meant you won’t be lonely at times. They may not be available for you 24/7. Even they won’t show up on your hardest time, when you’re struggling completely with your darkest inner self. But shouldn’t it be what friends do? Be there for each other, no matter what? So, are you saying that you have no friends?
Perhaps I am.
It’s the disappointment that consume me alive. It’s my disappointment that withdraws me from those people I call friends. It’s me that don’t help myself to reach out to them.
Then I start asking myself: what it is I’m really looking for in a relationship? Is it someone who will always be there for me, know what to do when emergency situation arise, listen to my self-loathing thoughts, reassure me that everything is gonna be okay? Is it someone who can listen to me, understand me, with all his heart? What is it I really need?
Thousands of questions has been wandering inside my mind for awhile. Those questions can get me lost. They will lead me into my darkest thoughts, when I really think I’m gonna do “it” sometimes.
I should be getting professional help by this time. But I don’t.
I know I need it, but something inside me keeps me from getting help. Something inside me keeps me from telling this to any professionals.
Maybe it’s my own withdrawal. Maybe it’s all in me.