honest feeling

“How beautiful it is to be human.
That we can fall asleep drowning in tears and pain but wake to a new sunrise on a new day with a dry face.” – Cherry & Steiner, 2018.

the quotes above is from the book “a love letter from the girls who feel everything” by two amazing women: brittainy c. cherry and kandi steiner. you should check it out if you love reading corresponded letters.

have not been feeling well lately. negative thoughts start to occupy my mind, again, for the uncountable times. i don’t know how long i’m going to be this way. seems like i’m on an endless loop. this time, no tears shed. the hollow inside my heart feels too real. something is missing.

it’s no longer about worries. i don’t have any idea what’s going on. last year i was on similar condition. mood-stabilizer saved me. this year, i have no idea what would it be that will save me.

super junior, yes, they have been on my mind and heart for quite a while. i thought they cured me. but the void is still here. living zombie, living meat, are perfect words to describe me. i’m showing signs of live, yet i don’t feel alive at all. things get even more unbearable.

i want to blame my biological age for sure. being old sucks, isn’t it? i just turned 20, how come i feel as if i just turned 40? biological changes start to appear. a simple song on PUI 2018 (Pump It Up 2018, a game machine franchise) strains me a lot. i wasn’t like this. i had pretty good stamina.

exercise may be the answer, but really i don’t feel like exercising. i start to dislike physical activities. day to day it’s hard enough for me to breath.

(i cannot finish my paragraph because a song playing on my ears finally tear me. i finally let out all the emotions i’ve been strained to feel).

crying feels nice after holding on for so long. to survive on society i have to be someone else. maybe i don’t know who i am truly is. seems like i’m being trapped in a maze with no way out. yes, i’m confuse. identity crisis phase stress me out a lot. i cannot determine who i am truly because i live on my own fantasy for so long. nothing seems real anymore.

my heart is longing for something. i think it wants to be free, to be independent, especially emotionally.

do you think if i unsubscribe my gym membership, i’ll be free? because it’s the first thing comes to mind when i typed the sentence.

ever since i was a kid, looking for a way in the future scares me away. reaching the age of 20, the notion is that you have to know who you are, what you’re going to be, what will your career be, what your passion is. those are hard questions. i no longer know who i am. i have walked so far from where i started.

mixed feeling like this is not good for me. zoned out too much is one of the sign i’m not getting any better anymore. but i said myself recovery doesn’t happen by linear graph. it takes a lot of ups and downs, just like what i’m feeling right now. i was on my best condition a few months ago, and now i’m back on that “low-phase”.

there’s a pattern here. i have at least two versions of me: the “high” and “low”. every time a challenge comes up when i’m on the second version, i wanna run away so badly. challenges can be anything, whether assignments, upcoming jobs, appointment with friends, even socialising. those things gets me tired most of the time. and at this time, i’m drained, exhausted, at the point i have to force myself to cry to let the emotions out.

but the high me won’t turn down any challenges. every challenges is seen as a reason to survive, to proof everybody wrong. why can’t i be the high me forever and just kill the low me?

do you realise that i never truly write any real experience here? the words mostly are about my feelings, my thoughts, but never the concrete event.

writing is fun and i like it so much. ever since i started to write, i have been enjoying it. concrete experiences are hard to write. describing something requires me to remember. but the thing is, why we remember emotions easier than events? maybe it has to be something with our brain structure. the limbic system is responsible for emotion regulations, hormone secretion regulation, memories, and some other regulations. maybe this is the main reason.

before i start to talk about another topic because my train of thoughts is that fast, i gotta end this post.

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