It has been a while since I post something positive, hasn’t it?
Trying something new won’t hurt I think and this is why I try to write something positive about hope.
You know this year up until this very second, I haven’t been feeling really well. Starting on late January, everything started to fall apart. My academics, family life, romantic relationship, friendships… Mostly almost everything.
And the month went on, and on. Hardships to hardships, adversity to adversity, I’ve been walking through with so much pain and misery. The hardest month was between February, March and April. The months where I thought I wouldn’t even survive until this May, writing this post about hope.
Looking back, I realise that as some old things fade to nothingness, new things emerge. We are never really left with nothing. It just I failed to realise it sooner. My old happiness seemed to be taken away forcefully from me and I was trying to hold on to it… slowly losing my sanity because there is no way I could hold on to something that isn’t mine in the first place. I focused on the things taken away from me therefore I failed to realise new things are starting. And they might be more beautiful than the takens.
Now I realise thinking everything had failed was a flawed way of thinking. It’s me again judging myself and my thoughts without any openess to accept it as one, as myself, as a part of me.
Late April, as the winter started to warm, I felt myself warming too. Life doesn’t get easier, but I start to think maybe I could handle life. Maybe it is not how I wanted it to be, but you know, sometimes we have to be flexible and open about our plans. Life is a bunch of surprise and I have no way to be prepared for another surprise. Rather than dwelling on how to prevent any surprise by controlling things, it’s better to be prepared to change.
When I had given up all of my hope in mid March, hoping to die before this June, hope is slowly emerging. I don’t know whether it is God that’s answering my prayer through changing my point of view of life, or the seasonal change, or it’s just my fucked up mood, whatever it is (I hope it’s really God), my life is slowly turning into a better one. I start to see things a little bit more clearly. I start to adjust my view of life, not being rigid to the beliefs I’ve been holding on for so long. Now I realise those beliefs are no longer functional, I should transform it into something new.
Little things start to make me happy. As simple as drinking a cup of sweet bubble tea, night cityscape, beautiful capital town, a movie to escape reality, warm blanket, even a merely slightest clue of smile on myself could trigger a positive feeling.
Oh, wow, I think I have turned into another person, haven’t I?
Yet again, I’m still the same old me who has fears and anxiety. When I’m given the choice to hope or give up, I’m tempted to give up. Because once again I’m afraid hope will fail me. I’m afraid to once again being let down by the hope. I have learned so much not to hope much for something, I have struggled a lot to fix my belief about hope and expectation that now I hope for nothing and just living my day as it is, but now that I might have hope…. I hesitate.
Just like Clint Barton hesitated when Nat offered him hope. So do I right now.
But he trusted Nat and got back to her. Nat stood beside him, giving him the best support he could received.
The thing is, I don’t have “Nat” in my life. Who am I counting on for hope?
Yes, I forget, I have God. (This is not a sarcasm).
Should I hold on to hope or should I not?
Should I trust once again or should I not?
Should I have faith and hope or should I not?
This is where you get after a lot of time being let down by hopes and expectations.
When you think you got hope while actually you don’t.