what it feels like to be depressed and suicidal (for me)

If only this society could treat psychological illness the same as they treat physical iillnes, I think there won’t be many people who suffer from unnecessary pain from hiding their illness. 

I’d like to describe vividly what it feels like to be depressed and suicidal. The longest streak this bastard has ever conquer me is around a month (28 days or so).

I’m not depressed 24/7, but sometimes the mood hits me to the ground and paralyzed me. I couldn’t help but feel helpless and hopeless, like I have no strenght to fight someone who’s pushing me into a deep pit and restraining me from getting up or even to scream for help. All he wants is me to die. The way he paralyses my body sometimes makes me numb, on the other times it causes an enormous pain. 

This bastard is a genius. When I’m about to give up, he releases me, lets me breath for a while, tasting a little bit hope, even offering help to climb back to the top. And once again after I reach the top, he pushes me back and there you go: the cycle of that bastard.

Being suicidal takes place when he causes me a lot of pain. I want to escape so badly that I really hope I can kill myself so the pain will stop. It feels like I’m bleeding a lot without any wound. Even bruised wound still got something to do with blood: the dead blood stuck inside the vein. This one is different. I’m sure, 100% sure, I’m bleeding so hard because it is freakin painful, yet the bastard is so sure that I haven’t hurted yet so he continues torturing me until I make myself bleed by causing an intentional physical wound so he can stop. 

The pain from him stops for a while before it comes back for another round, when the bleeding has stopped and the bastard thinks I’m no longer in pain.

F you, I’d really love to say.

Do you know the terminology “Stockholm syndrome”? It’s a syndrome when a person who’s abducted falling in love or feeling affectionate towards the culprit. And I think I’m having that kind of syndrome with the bastard. At the same time I wanna push him away so bad yet the thought of him leaving causes another painful feeling.

Well this bastard has friends, that is negative thoughts. Let’s call it a “she”. She’s the bastard’s partner in crime. They really love to held a party inside the pit, inviting her friends over. They are more negative thoughts and the biggest of them all is named suicidal thought. As like her partner in crime, this girl bastard also has many friends. She has even more than he has and she invites them all without exception. The friend from the past she never forget to invite. At the party, she allows her guest to invite more of their friends. So the pit is packed and I’m stucked, trapped, stepped on by those bastards and their friends. I cannot escape as there is no room left even for me to breathe. 

At the moment, I’m not feeling well. It’s the 5th day if I’m not mistaken, that I’m paralysed. I’m unable to do my work properly, my brain is unable to function as well as it is on my best days, I’m not functioning socially, the pit is full with the bastards’ friends and I’m stucked in there, suffocating for air, unable to do anything rather than losing hope little by little.

No, I’m not hoping for savior or whatever. I’m not even hoping to get better. 

But I freaking hate this condition and state of mind so I’m getting help. To ease the pain properly.

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