D-7

No matter how hard I try to deny or bury my sadness, it still lurks. 

It has been four days since I got tested positive for Covid. It means I have wasted four days for nothing, in quarantine, where in fact I should’ve spend my time a little bit wisely to enjoy my last few days in Indonesia. Fuck, it is getting very real. I will depart for Amsterdam exactly next week. 7 days from now. Only a few hours left.

I am lying terribly if I say I’m not feeling scared at all, or if I say that I’m not nervous. I am very nervous. I am very anxious about all of this. I will stay abroad for two years, living so far away from my parents and sister and boyfriend. Am I able to survive there? What kind of person I will be there?

There are a lot of questions in my mind, mostly related to my own anxiety. Like, how I want to be addressed there? Am I going to change my nickname to Yujinia, to match my forename? How should I present myself? Am I going to present myself the way I do right now? What if I cannot shake my social anxiety off and still caged in my scaredness of being judged?

One of Covid symptoms is shortness of breath. Now I’m experiencing that, but for an entirely different reason I guess. It is because I am freaking nervous. I am freaking scared and I wanna run away so bad. I am not ready to move. I am not ready to go. Fuck this.

Aside from my anxiety of going abroad by myself, I feel stressed and pressured as well by Widhi’s assertion. He said that it is going to be official that I’m joining Atma as the lecturer, when in fact I don’t feel like being a lecturer is my true calling. I don’t want to live my life being a docent. I want to be something more. I want my name to shine, of course, but not as a docent. I want people to recognize me, but not that way. I’m totally not ready for this. 

I also feel lazy, like I don’t wanna do anything. I wanna mess around, don’t wanna take anything seriously like I did. I don’t wanna think everything straight, I want to do anything easily. I feel tired of exerting so much control in life. Is it time to let everything go? Thinking everything thoroughly is definitely tiring. I don’t feel like doing it now.